100 Confessions Danielle

1. I HATE CAMEL CRICKETS!

2. I just started eating my eggs sunny-side-up again after almost two decades. Since then, they
use to horrifyingly remind me of the time I was riding my big wheel and rolled over an
earthworm (on purpose).

3. I'm terrified of Greys.
















4. I've never seen a ghost or anything move by themself, except maybe a penis, or a car.

5. I use to gag when my mother said, "At least try it". She was talking about beets.

6. My dad ran over a husky on our way home one day.

7. There was one day I'll never forget: My sister swallowed her tooth and thought she was going
to die, my neighbor ran over her bicycle because she parked it right behind his truck...DUH!,
the carpet caught on fire, and my dog had the worst diarrhea ever...in the back of our
stationwagon.

8. I've had pinworms, scabies, lice (twice), athlete's foot, ringworm, and an ingrown toenail.

9. I shaved my head when I was 18, and my friend dragged me to the prom. Of course, I
went stag.

10. I didn't get my period until I was 14.

11. That was the same year of my first kiss.

12. I was a virgin until I was 16. He was a little guy, so it didn't hurt. Lucky me.

13. He was Mexican, but born in Texas. We met in Spanish class, which he could not read, nor
write.

14. My Spanish teacher passed me in college because she didn't want to hear, "NO VIDEO DE
ESPANOL!! A BURRIDO"! ever again (that's Spanish for, "No Spanish video! BORING!"

15. The only heir to our family name died of brain cancer when he was 9-years-old.

16. I'm a hypochondriac. Every time I get a headache, I think it's a brain tumor.

17. I don't pick up rodents by the tail anymore because the last time I did that, the tail fell off
and left a blood stain on my wall.

18. I never kill bugs, unless it's a fly.

19. I was baptized Lutheran, but I haven't gone to church since I was like 10.

20. The Church of Christ scares me.

21. I can play the piano and guitar by ear. I started teaching myself how to play the trumpet.
That shit is hard! If I owned a flute, I'd play that, too. Hardest instrument I've played so far:
the clarinet. The lower you go, the harder you blow.


22. I lived in a roach-infested mobile home for four years. Now, the sight of roaches sickens me.
I kill them, too.

23. I LOVE coffee... only if it has plenty of cream and sugar.

24. My mom's great great great etc... grandfather was the right-hand man to Napolean.












25. I've never met my grandparents on my mom's side.

26. My mom is an ex-hippie, but now she's pretty conservative. I know all my table etiquette.

27. I've played with myself while driving down the road.

28. I once drove 80 mph down the highway at night with my sister and two friends, while being
chased by two rednecks in a Ford 350 for banging in their mailbox. That was the last time
we did that.

29. I got busted for smoking weed at school. It was my first time.

30. I use to write letters to my art teacher and hand them out after class. I had an appointment
to see the school counselor the next morning.

31. I've dated men out of pity.

32. I've eaten at White Castle once. Those were the worst farts Aubrey and I have EVER HAD.

33. I've never had REAL friends until I graduated from high school.

34. I've changed my major four times. EMT, English, Systems Engineering, now Art.

35. I'm good with a slingshot.

36. I've thrown bottles rockets outside my car window at people. There was one time, this kid's parents came
running
after our car. It wasn't in the best of neighborhoods either, but I didn't realize that, because I was STUPID.

37. I love to watch men masturbate.

38. Neither my dad nor I can stand the sound of someone eating potato chips, slurping soup, or spoons banging
against the bowl. I once slapped my sister in the face for doing one or all three of these things.

39. I love to go to Barnes and Nobles straight to the newstand, and listen to people flipping the pages of the
magazines. If it wasn't a public place, I would fall right to sleep. It's just like getting a really good back massage,
except the feeling is in the muscles of my scalp. I've known one other person like this.

40. I love the smell of newspaper, magazines, Lisa Frank folders, erasers, newly sharpened pencils, and Aubrey's skin.

41. The earliest memory I have was when I was too big to fit in the sink for a bath, so my mom had me take showers with her. I just remember seeing her boobies and thinking, "What are those things"? Maybe it wasn't really a thought, but more like a feeling.

42. I tried to convince my 8th grade English teacher, Social Studies, and school counselor to believe that I had been abducted by aliens. During that time, I had scratched my face from my temple down to my mouth and told them that I had "woken up with it there".

43. I'm not as attention starved as I used to be.

44. My sister drove me home one night when I was too drunk to drive. On the way down the highway going 70mph, I sat outside the window on the door panel, turned my head backward, and my $300 pair of glasses flew off my face and smashed all over the road. I LOVED those glasses!

45. I'm terrified that Aubrey's pistol is going to jump out of the drawer, that's next to the bed, and shoot me while I'm asleep. This comes from watching too much Poltergeist.

46. I don't like swimming in ponds, rivers, or lakes because the brim might come up and nibble my toes. That's from watching too much Jaws.

47. My ex-husband drove through the projects one Halloween night and capped a few apartment buildings with his six-inch barreled .357 while he was drunk. I had to hide all the guns under the bed, labeled him a PSYCHO!, and filed for divorce.



48. My sister and I use to get a blanket, hold each of the ends, and play "trampoline" with my hamster. He hit the ceiling a couple of times, but not very hard.

49. I don't like men with red hair. Red pubic hair is GROSS.

50. Movies that show people with huge black pupils scare me.

51. I never got nightmares from watching Friday the 13th, Halloween, or Nightmare on Elm Street, but the marshmallow man and that librarian ghost in the library in Ghostbusters scared me so badly, I couldn't sleep for days.

52. I'd go straight to the horror section in the video store when I was little. That's all I'd pick out for my mom to rent for me.

53. I've watched Labyrinth so many times, I can quote every line while watching the movie.

54. My uncle retired from working for the NSA and said that he had watched the black box video from the Space Shuttle Challenger explosion and told me that they were screaming and knew that they were going to die. When I asked him if aliens were real, he didn't answer me and changed the subject. I asked him the same question a few months ago, and still, he didn't answer me, changing the subject. NOOOOO!!!

55. I French kissed my ex-boyfriend's mom's girlfriend while his mom was sleeping in her bedroom. I was like, "What if she catches us"? She replied, "You better run, cause she keeps a 12-gauge by the door".

56. I once huffed air freshener (yes...air freshener) and almost died.

57. From the 6th grade until I graduated, there was a rumor going around school and I had screwed a hammer.

58. I once played opossum when this girl pushed me into the wall. She got 3 days of suspension, while I got to stay. She was just jealous that her boyfriend liked me. I saw a recent picture of and her offspring on Classmates.com. Damn.

59. 've seen that beheading video of that dude over in Afghanistan or whatever. After that, it's quite hard for me to visit Rotten or Ogrish. It physically makes me sick.

60. The grossest (sexual) thing I've ever seen on video were of these three French chicks drinking each other's urine and eating each other's crap. The French are sick, sick, SICK! I'll proove it... go to: http://blog.doctissimo.org/LA_FERME_DES_LAITIERES. Don't worry, I haven't seen any crap-eating, yet.

61. I hate cats, except for the ones with bad allergies. They're so damn funny.

62. Aubrey and I were on our way to cook dinner for my parents to congratulate outselves on our engagement. His 1989 blue Bronco his a patch of gravel about fifty feet in length going about 45mph, weaving between two or three cars, to finally dive into a ditch on the opposing side, hitting a driveway, rolling 360*, not even touching the ground. Beans were spattered everywhere inside the Bronco, but Aubrey's $500 suit and my new dress that he had just bought for me was untouched. I came out with a scratch on my skin, and a small gash on my foot from the heel of my shoe.

62. When Aubrey and I first met, I got him to steal this dude's fried and battered mushrooms while he was outside talking on his cell phone. You just had to be there.

63. I was with Aubrey when he once told a cop that he had left his donuts inside the convenience store.

64. On the way back from Nashville one night, Aubrey, his brother, and I got caught in a hella thunderstorm. We were on motorcycles and I wasn't wearing a jacket or anything.

65. I went to Virginia Beach when I was 15 and this Jamaican dude was trying to talk to me. When I got home, I was watching Unsolved Mysteries when this story came on about this Jamaican dude that raped and murdered this chick in Virginia Beach. I swear, it was the same guy.

66. I was fired from the Radisson for passing around nude pictures of me. They weren't dirty!

67. My friend Jennifer and I were headed home from a hard day's work at Dairy Queen. It was nighttime when I saw this large-winged thing fly across the sky. I was like, "Jennifer, did you see that"? She was like, "Yeah, WTF was it?" I was like, "I don't know, I think it was a dragon..." It was a dragon. I swear.

68. I ate a bad taco at a friend's house and had to walk home with diarrhea flowing like an erupted volcano out of my butt. I was 16.

69. For my first job, I was a lifeguard. For one of my final tests, I had to rescue a "drowning" person from the pool. While one group got a tall skinny man, my group was stuck with the short, fat woman. But, nevertheless, I passed.

70. My friend Lee Rogers once came to school with a pentagram carved in his stomach and got beat up on the bus. Ironically, my friend as of now, Ariel, was the one that told them to kick his ass.

71. When Lee came back from two weeks in a "rehab center", he handed out schitz and ritalin pills to all his friends. I took one of each and woke up in the middle of the night with my heart beating so fast, I couldn't feel it anymore.

72. When I worked in the toy dept. of Walmart, there was a button, *96, on the phone for the intercom. I would take toys, such as Howdy from Toy Story, and a See-N-Say, and play them so the entire store could hear. "C is for cow. MOOOOOOOO".

73. When we were in the sixth grade, my friend Cathy, my sister (8), and I rolled my neighbor's yard and stuck maxi pads on the windows. Little did I know that some people stayed out late on the weekends. My neighbors rolled up the driveway at three in the morning, catching us, driving us home, and waking my parents up to tell them what we had done. I was grounded forever and Cathy wasn't allowed to spend the night ever again.

74. I was at Greg Culver's house when I was in the 3rd grade. For some reason, he stripped nude, ran down his driveway, and wagged his weenie at cars as they drove down the highway. His mom ran out of the house was like, "GREG! GET IN THIS HOUSE NOW!!! Danielle, I think it's time you went home...". Last time I heard, Greg was in prison.

75. When I was 17, me and a group of friends (3 girls, 3 guys) got lost on Monte Sano Mountain. We found a 50-ft. waterfall to climb and when it started raining, I was the last to be on the waterfall, clinging to dear life to a tiny tree root and a protruding rock that wasn't very stable. Not only that, my feet kept slipping on the moss that was slimy and slippery when wet. My friend, Matt, pulled me up just as I was about to fall. All of us ended up half-naked in our underwear, trying to find the main road. I remember writing a note and leaving it on someone's door. It read, "Please help us! We're lost. Call 911! or something. We finally found our way back to the cabins and figured out where we were. People kept driving by wondering when a group of teenagers were doing dripping wet in their underwear.

76.